Part 1 - Dying - How do you wish to die?
Practical things to consider before you die.
*** Disclaimer: I know that some folk are unable to choose how they wish to die. This post ponders the question that, if you had a choice, what would you choose - How do you wish to die? How do you wish to leave your affairs behind? What do you choose and why? This is the first post in a series of three.
To those of you who walk upon the Road of Grief because your loved one died in a way that was traumatic and painful, may you be held with tenderness, gentleness and honour, and may the Road of Grief shine lamp-posts of healing memories so that you can find Light in the Darkness of their Death.
Dearest one,
Let’s talk about one of my favourite topics…
Death and Dying.
Is this a topic that you can openly talk about?
Is this a topic that you fear to think about?
Is this a topic that scares you
or, maybe, calms you?
Over the next couple of weeks I look forward to exploring with you Death and Dying from a Practical and Spiritual sense, and offering thoughts to ponder on what you and/or your loved ones can do to prepare for this final profound journey.
I truly believe that if we are given a conscious choice in our dying process we are able to die more peacefully, and our Spirit is able to go to the Light, Heaven, Over the Rainbow, Beyond the Veil, Home, Nivarna, the Other World etc, in a softer, gentler and more dignified way.
Let us ponder this question together…
HOW AND WHERE DO YOU WISH TO DIE?
Most folk, if asked that question would probably answer something along the lines of
”I would like to die peacefully.”
”I would like to die at home.”
”I would like to die with dignity.”
”It doesn’t matter where, I would just like a pain free death.”
“I would like to die doing what I love.”
How would YOU answer the above question?
And if you wrote down each word you just answered, what would each word mean to you? DEEPLY MEAN FOR YOU?
Pause here for a moment as you consider the above question, and when you are ready read on.
Now let us look at things a bit more closely. When you answered the above question
Does it mean dying with no pain and peacefully in your sleep?
Does it mean dying doing something that you love - like surfing or skydiving?
Does it mean choosing a catheter because wearing incontinent adult pads/nappies makes you feel uncomfortable, and a catheter would make you feel as though you had more dignity?
Does it mean no catheters because the thought makes you feel squeamish?
Does it mean dying at home in your own comfortable surroundings?
Does it mean no pain and being comfortable, and it doesn’t matter where you die- at home, in a nursing facility, or in hospital?
Does it mean dying and then gifting your organs to someone else (which would probably mean you die in a hospital, and that might be perfect because then your organs can be used straight away.)
Does it mean being spoon fed and not having a tube to feed you?
Does it mean not being resuscitated? Or being resuscitated?
Does it mean not being on an artificial ventilator or dialysis or does it mean that you wish to be on one?
Does it mean that you wish to let the children be present to see you dying, to hold you close, to share in final stories and hugs with you, or do you prefer that the children remember you as you were?
And I wonder, do you have any religious/spiritual/cultural beliefs, and would those beliefs alter how you answer the above questions?
And if you are religious/spiritual or have strong cultural beliefs, what do you need your family to do in your last living days to help your spirit feel safe and held as it prepares to leave your body? And if you are not a practicing spiritual or religious or culturally based person, do you have any thoughts on this for your own spirit?
I now invite you to ask your SPIRIT AGAIN
HOW AND WHERE DO I WISH TO DIE?
Let your Spirit settle into these words.
Let your Spirit breathe in these words.
And let your Spirit share with you what it REALLY needs to feel safe and free as it considers its last journey upon Earth.
Without pondering the details,
I invite you to write what your Spirit showed you and shared with you
Write it down.
Feel it through.
Breathe it in.
Released of judgement.
Released of “I should be doing this or that…”
Released of “That’s impossible.”
Just let the feelings of what your Spirit showed you filter through you.
In Australia there is a legal document called “Advanced Care Directive” that asks you to ponder and answer the above questions. It is a legally binding document that you fill in and sign and which is then cosigned by your local GP (you can complete one now before anything happens to you), or you can complete it with the Palliative Care team. You can read more about it here (Please note that there are slightly different forms depending on what state or territory you live in). I have included here a copy of the N.S.W document for you to look at and print out if you wish. Please check with the local government in your own area and see if there is a similar document.
As mentioned this document is a legally binding document that ensures that the PATIENTS WISHES ARE ADHERED TO. It enables everyone to put aside what “they think is right” to ensure that the dying person’s last requests are fulfilled and completed.
From a spiritual point of view, I truly value this document.
I believe when we can truly fulfill someones final wishes on how they wish to die,
then their spirit can leave their body feeling safe,
feeling peaceful,
feeling heard
and feeling respected.
My Mum (she died 9 years ago) and my Uncle (who recently died) completed this document and they were both able to die the way they wished. In both cases they died peacefully at home with loved ones around. My family are pretty amazing. We all honoured what was written on these forms and worked together to create COMFORT AND PEACE for both my Mum and Uncle.
I know this isn’t always the case. I know that sometimes what one person wishes another does not. I know that Death has different ideas of when to come and take a soul home. However if you do have the opportunity to die the way you wish to, then it becomes so peaceful, loving, compassionate and soft.
I am in awe of the Palliative Care End of Life team that supported both my Mum and Uncle.
I will speak of my Uncle’s death here. The Palliative Care End of Life team were/are amazing. Nursing staff, Doctors, Occupational Therapists, Social Workers, Speech Pathologists, Dieticians, Personal Care (Showering and Bathing) plus Home care and Respite …it was all there available for Uncle John and us his family, to use any or all of these services. We used most of them. And just to let you know, Palliative Care In Home Services are free.
For me, it was a very honourable experience to nurse and tend my Uncle in the last few weeks of his life. Life in its medical tending while at times tiring, complicated, intense and uncertain became SIMPLE and BASIC.
All the excess was stripped back, and what was left was Love, Tenderness, Deep Care and Compassion.
My Uncle was where he wanted to be, surrounded by his family, his close friends and more importantly his brother - my Dad - who is 92 years old and who has lived with him for the past 17 years.
My dear friend,
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO DIE?
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE CARED FOR IN YOUR FINAL DAYS?
HOW WOULD YOUR SPIRIT LIKE TO BE TREATED AND TENDED IN ITS FINAL DAYS UPON EARTH?
May we die with as much integrity and honour as we can.
May we give those who are dying as much voice and say as we can.
And may we tend to their needs in a way that makes their spirit feel safe as they prepare for their final journey.
In honour of the grief you have experienced
and the journey your heart is on to heal.
Much love
ps/ This is the first of a 3 part exploration on Dying and Death. Next week I will write about - WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAPPEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOU DIE…
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Sam this is a powerful and very necessary post. I have seen both sides of having a living will and advanced directives (what they are called in the US) and not having one. It is like night and day. Having a loved one die is already sooo challenging. But when these questions have not been taken care of before hand... Well, even more challenging. There is a lot I can write about this, for I have been at many death beds. What I will say, is that I have my documents all taken care of. Did them a few years ago. Sam, what you are reminding of though, is to reread them, to make sure that is still how I feel.
Dear Sam, hoping that are taking care in this time of grief. On my end I am still dealing with the shock of it all. Doing my own self-care too. Much love to you! ♥️
What a wonderful question. The knowledge that it’s a home going (for me) is comforting and yet it’s so important to remember that we’re still here on this journey and the end of the journey is still part of it, and worth considering before we get there. Thank you for the reminder!