Part 2 - After you die...What happens?

Will you be buried or cremated? Who do you wish to invite to your funeral service? What will you wear? What is IMPORTANT FOR YOU?

*** Disclaimer: I know that some folk are unable to choose how they wish to die. This series of essays ponders the question that, if you had a choice, what would you choose - How do you wish to die? How do you wish to leave your affairs behind? What do you choose and why?

THIS IS THE 2nd POST IN A SERIES OF 3.
If you missed the first post, or would like to forward this to a friend here it is:
POST 1: PRACTICAL THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU DIE -
HOW DO YOU WISH TO DIE?

Photo by Yura Lytkin on Unsplash

Hello my dear friend,

I hope this finds you well. I received some very lovely comments and feedback from my previous post Practical things to consider before you die - How do you wish to die? Have you had a chance to read it? I would really appreciate your thoughts. Feel free to leave your comments below.

Today let us explore WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAPPEN AFTER YOU DIE - let us consider the following:

1. How would you like your body to be treated?

2. Will you be buried or cremated?

3. Would you like some sort of memorial service and if so who would you like to invite?

It is 1981. I am 10 years old. My Grandfather died. I remember thinking as the coffin was sitting there upon the alter in the church “What if he isn’t dead? How do I know he is dead?”

It is 1997. My Grandmother is dying. We all went to her place to say our goodbyes, to cut flowers from her garden and make bouquets in her room. I remember that my bouquet wasn’t very fancy compared to my cousins!

I also remember that after my Grandmother died we children were sent to the garden, to be away from her dead body. We children (and there were adults too, who out of their own choice chose not be there) were not ALLOWED to see a dead person.

I didn’t feel comfortable with that. I wanted to know WHAT HAPPENS NOW? I wanted to look and see and bare witness to something. At that stage in my life I didn’t know what that something was or what that actually meant for me as a person!

So I stayed inside and made myself very small as I sat in the hallway and watched the funeral men wheeling a trolley into my Grandmother’s room to do whatever they did.

And then they came out of her room after a while with the trolley and a black shape on it.

I remember feeling that I missed out on something.

It is 2010. I saw my first “dead body".” It was my father-in-law. There was a viewing at the chapel. He looked so peaceful. So serene. I thought how lucky I was to be able to say goodbye to him, as this was also the first time I was to meet him. His eyes and mouth were closed. His hands were crossed in front of his chest. He looked as though he was in a deep deep sleep.

It is 2015. My Mum died of Motor Neurons Disease at 2pm at her home in Bowral. We were there when she died and continued to be with her body for a few hours afterwards. Taking turns just to BE with her. She was slightly elevated. Her mouth was open as per the natural ways of gravity when you die. Her eyes were closed.

I chose to be in the room when the funeral men came at around 10pm. I said that I wanted to watch what they were doing. They said “Yes you can stay for a certain time then you have to leave when we say so.”

I left the room when asked.

I think I understand why.

Shortly after the trolley with my Mum’s body in a black body bag was wheeled out of the house.

My sister and I went to help dress my Mum. It was something that was important for us. She was peaceful. Her eyes closed. Her mouth closed. Her frizzy hair straight. That’s what happens to your frizzy or curly hair when you die. It becomes straight, as everything that makes your hair frizzy stops.

It’s 2023. My brother-in-law died in hospital surrounded by my partner (his brother) and his wife.

We were able to view his body in the funeral chapel. He was very sick when he died. In and out of ICU. When he died his eyes were peacefully closed. His mouth wasn’t. It disturbed me. Maybe it was because of his illness. Maybe it was because they couldn’t close his mouth properly…it disturbed me.

It is now 2024. I am here tending my beloved Uncle before he died.

Michael the Palliative care nurse asked us, “Do you know what happens immediately after your Uncle dies? Do you know what to do?”
“No!” we answered.
“Is there anything special that we need to do?”
”I also want to know how to close his mouth with dignity” I say.
He explained that immediately after someone dies their body softens, then after a couple of hours the body stiffens - rigor mortis, and then once rigor mortis peaks at around 12 hours it softens again to repeat the process. Here is a wonderful article to explain this amazing process.

He also advised us to lay Uncle John flat, to take away his pillow and place a rolled up towel under his chin. To straighten his arms and legs and to place his hands palm down on the bed.

These simple steps helped to make Uncle John look more peaceful, helped to close his mouth, and helped to make him look soft in his deep forever sleep.

When it was time for the funeral people to come, I asked again to be in the room. They were lovely. ‘Of course!” They wheeled a trolley into the room and on the top was a lovely COLOURED patchwork body bag (Oh how my heart smiled! A colourful bag. Not black!). They asked if I wanted to sit with him. “Take your time.” And when I indicated that It Was Time, they moved the trolley close to his bed. They were going to put a slide sheet under him, however I explained that he already was on one. Once on the trolley, I gave them his pillow. He loved his pillow. It was the first pillow that didn’t hurt his neck.

They then covered him. They asked if I wanted to be with his body some more before they took him away. I reached over and said what I needed to. Then nodded.
It was time.
Time to remove him from his home.
Forever.

I was later asked, “Why did you want to be there?”
I answered, “I feel as though I was a midwife. I wanted to stay with Uncle John until I could no longer stay with him. I wanted to ensure he was treated well, that he was honoured, that his last few moments were with someone who loved him and cared for him.”

It is hard to explain.
It still is.
Or may be.
You understand.

I have always been fascinated by death. I know this may seem morbid to you, however death has always fascinated me - the biological process as well as the spiritual.

I finally felt as though I had some pieces of the jigsaw given to me in Michael’s explanation of what happens and what to expect.

Uncle John stayed at home for 24 hours after he died. This was neither his wish nor a cultural process. It was my Dad’s wish. And I have to say, for me, it created such a beautiful soft parting. A gentle parting, a softening of the death process.

I know for some, to take the body straight away is preferred.

What about you…
Have you considered what is important for you
JUST
AFTER
YOU
DIE?

Does it mean that you would like your body to be moved straight away or maybe you would like to stay in your room a little while longer? (Depending on the weather you may be able to stay at home for up to 3 days.) Or does it mean you would like to leave straight away and that would make you happy?

Would it matter to you if someone cut a bit of your hair to keep or would that make your spirit feel uncomfortable?

Does it mean you would like the children to see your dead body, or would you prefer the children remember you as a living person?

Does it mean that you would like special music to be played or oils or incense to be burnt?¹

Does it mean you would like a priest or monk or clergy-person to say a prayer over your body before you leave your room?

Does it mean you would like to be dressed in your best outfit or maybe your favourite outfit or maybe something else, or maybe you choose to wear nothing at all? My Mum wanted to wear her best dress. My Uncle wanted to be “warm” and wanted to be dressed in his tracksuit so he could be “warm and cosy.” What would you like to wear? And does it matter?

Does it mean you would like to be buried with something special like the ancient Egyptian Pharaohs? Or do you prefer to leave everything behind?

And if you are wearing any jewelry (for example a wedding ring) does it mean you want to pass that onto someone or do you wish to be buried or cremated wearing it?

Does it mean that you smile when your loved ones places special items in your coffin or in your grave, as a special farewell gift for you, or would you prefer that did not happen?

What would make your spirit happy
at your time of death?

And then after you die, what would you like to happen:

Would you be happy to be buried or cremated? Maybe you are claustrophobic and to be buried is the last thing you want? Or maybe the thought of being burnt makes you feel agitated, so to be buried is the natural option for you.

And if you are cremated would you like your ashes to be scattered to the four winds or would you like them to be placed somewhere special? And if you liked to travel are there special places around the world where you would like some of your ashes to be scattered?

Maybe some of your family members would like a small urn of your ashes for their own grieving process. Would this be OK with you, or maybe this just doesn’t matter?

Would you like to be placed in the family plot in the biodegradable box that is commonly given when you are cremated, or would you like a special urn? Do you have your own plot somewhere and if so, does your family know where this is?

And if you chose to be buried - is that in a coffin or a cardboard box or a pod that then grows to become a tree?² And do you have a particular place arranged, and if so where?

Do you want a grave plot for in-perpetuity or for only 25 years? And if you want to pass the rights on, to whom do you do that too?

And then, when you are buried, do you wish to have a particular marble plaque or a simple cross, or maybe you have something else in mind? Maybe you want a stone tablet over the grave-site, or you prefer flowers growing, or you just want the grass to grow wild? Or maybe it doesn’t matter and you are happy for your family to organise this after you die.

Or maybe, just maybe, you wish to be buried like the Vikings in a long boat on a full moon night with an archer on the hill that shoots a firey arrow that lands in your boat and gently burns you at sea…

or maybe
just maybe
you have something else in mind…

We all die eventually and to look into cemeteries and plots and to organise your final resting place when you are alive is a very wise and empowering thing to do. To then talk to your loved ones about this when you are living changes a once “taboo” topic into a normal conversation.

My friend,
if you could ask yourself

WHAT ARE MY FINAL WISHES
WHAT WOULD MAKE MY SPIRIT COMFORTABLE?

What would you answer?

And have you thought of what type of service you would like?

Would you like to have a private service and gathering only inviting certain people that YOUR SPIRIT feels comfortable with, or would you like to invite lots of family and friends and have a huge party or gathering?

Would you be happy if people just popped in or do you prefer that people ring and organise a time when it is convenient for your family? Do you have particular cultural, religious or spiritual beliefs that you would like to adhere to, and what are they?

And if you could ask yourself,

WHO DO I WANT AT MY FINAL GATHERING?

What would you answer?

My Mum and Uncle before they died wrote a “Guest List.” It was their tribe. Their own inner community. They both chose to have their final gathering at their own homes. I have to say, it was very special. It was an honour to be in a sacred space with those people that meant something to Mum, and then to Uncle John. It was a private ceremony and a very beautiful ceremony.

I remember at my Aunts wake there were “Professional mourners” and people turned up who she hadn’t seen for EVER. It didn’t feel respectful. No one in the family knew who some of these people were and those that hadn’t seen my aunt for EVER - why did they come now and not when she was alive?

As you think about your final gathering, where would you like that to be - in a church or at home, in the local pub or community hall, in your favourite park or down at the beach?

Do you have any special songs or words - poems or writings - that you would like someone to read out loud, and if you do what are they? Who would you like to read them or sing them? And would you like a keepsake booklet to be organised to give out?

Does it matter to you what people eat or drink or even wear? Maybe you would like some of your favourite foods to be offered, or maybe you would like people to wear a special colour or not to wear a particular colour. Or maybe none of this matters as long as those who are organising your final gathering are feeling at peace with what they have decided, and those who are coming are feeling comfortable in what they are wearing.

And I wonder, is it important for you to organise any special cards or letters that YOU have written prior to your death, to give to your loved ones - a special message of love and gratitude, support and memories?

Death.
This is the final Journey.
This is the final initiation and sacred threshold that we will ever cross.

Death.

How would you like to cross this sacred threshold?
How would you like to step beyond this earthly realm?
How would you like to be treated?

In honour of your individual choices
and what makes your heart and soul feel free.

In blessings,

ps/ This is the 2nd of a 3 part exploration on Dying and Death. Next week I will write about - What admin trail would you like to leave behind?

Welcome to Soft. Simple. Still. where like gentle butterflies that land upon your hand, soft words will land in your heart for profound healing, stillness and simplicity.

If you would like a 1-1 healing /mentoring session, or if you would like to know more about my healing work, feel free to pour yourself a cuppa and browse my website here.

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1. You may also like any of these things when you are dying so that you can hear, smell and know that they are there around you.

2. This link is for those living in Australia. Please do Google your own country’s offering for Pod burials if this interests you.